Friday, December 30, 2005

Wrapping Up the NFL Wrap-Up

Here’s the last of The Sandlot’s four-day NFL season wrap-up. We finish up with the AFC South and West divisions.

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts
For some reason, losing two meaningless games, including one on the road just days after head coach Tony Dungy’s son committed suicide, has caused all the so-called “experts” to dismiss Indy’s Superbowl chances. I guess winning 13 games in a row, including victories over playoff teams Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, New England and Jacksonville (twice), securing home field advantage where they haven’t lost a meaningful game in two years as well as having the most successful QB-to-WR combo in the history of the NFL doesn’t give you a fighting chance of winning the conference championship. Let me be very clear about this: Indy’s going to beat Arizona this weekend by at least four touchdowns, then they’re going to take a week off to get ready to beat Cincinnati by three touchdowns, then they’ll beat the winner of the Pittsburgh-Denver game decisively, then win the Superbowl in an absolute offensive barrage. Don’t believe the rest of the hype, suckers—the Colts are the champs in 2005.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Nice season. Good work. Don’t let Chad Johnson hit you in the butt on the way out of Cincinnati. Better luck next year, guys. You might also try to get put in a division that doesn’t include Indianapolis, because you’re looking a wild card berths at best for the next few years.

Tennessee Titans
I don’t think they’ll part ways with Jeff Fisher, even though I’ve been on record since the beginning of the season that I’d love to see him coaching the Rams next year, but everyone knew that this was a rebuilding year. What I think would be ideal is if they could draft a QB, then let Billy Volek take over the team with Steve McNair serving as #2, but more importantly, serving as Jedi Master to the freshly drafted padawan learner. We have to remember that the Titans were the youngest team in the league with an average age of 23, and since McNair’s like 54 years old, take him out and the average age is probably around 19. They’ll learn, and they’ll be back in the playoff discussion in a couple of years.

Houston Texans
This team is so bad, they’ll probably beat San Francisco and miss out on Reggie Bush. I don’t think Bush is going to help them much; they’ve got a competent QB in David Carr, but the poor guy has to play behind the worst offensive line in the league. Dom Capers should have coached himself out of any future employment, but some schmuck will probably hire him to run a defense or something similarly stupid. If they really want to win, they should trade the Bush pick for a host of linemen. Don’t be surprised if Mike Martz interviews for this job, too, especially if they draft and sign Rocket Reggie. If that happens, he’ll be the only decent Bush to ever come out of Houston.

AFC West
Denver Broncos
Yes, I know I’m the same guy who went on for weeks about how this team stunk. Hey, Bill Simmons gets paid to do this, and his season record is one game below .500, so you get what you get. The thing is, even if Denver gets past its first playoff game in the second round, who I think will be Pittsburgh, by the way, their reward will be their third consecutive playoff demolition in Indianapolis at the hands of the Colts. Anyone else confident of the phrase, “Jake Plummer, Superbowl QB?” Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Kansas City Chiefs
Things to love about the Chiefs: 1) Dick Vermeil; 2) Trent Green; 3) Larry Johnson; 4) Tony Gonzalez; 4) Arrowhead Stadium; 5) the fact that KC knocked the Chargers out of the playoffs last week, ensuring only one more week of listening to NFL “experts” fawn over a slightly above average team who’s not even going to the playoffs this year. Of course, there is one negative about that fact, and that’s missing out on Marty Schottenheimer’s annual playoff game!

San Diego
Sit down, shut up, go away.

Oakland Raiders
So, I guess Randy Moss wasn’t the answer after all, hmmm?

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