Tiger Woods needs to go away

For now, Tiger Woods' golf career, as it once was, is over. Scores that would inspire me to gold-plate at frame my card (under 80!) are the same that put Tiger at 78th place after the third round at the Bridgestone tournament. Despite what you might have thought about today's headline, I still like Tiger. As a husband, he acted like a complete turd, and it's going to cost him hundreds of millions of dollars. But the stress of having his personal life turned inside out for the whole world to see (also deserved) has destroyed his golf game, so I'm offering my friendly advice: Go away.

Politely tell the PGA that you're taking the rest of this year (including the PGA Championship and the Ryder Cup) as well as next year off. You're not playing any more golf at a professional level until 2011.

Tell Nike (your only sponsor left) that you're not doing any more commercials this year or next year. Tell them to give the money from your endorsed products to your kids. Just do it: go away.

Tell Elin she can have whatever she wants—money, houses, etc., then sign the papers and give her a private cell phone number that only she and the kids can use, then pack a small suitcase and head to the airport.

Finish growing that beard and shave your head bald and put on some sunglasses and take a plane to somewhere in Africa or Asia where they don't have televisions, internet or golf courses and figure out who Eldrick Woods, Jr. is before you try to come back and be Tiger again.

Go away and go to spend some time with monks in ancient Buddhist temples. Go serve with relief workers in Africa and help deliver food and water to desperate villages. Walk along the Great Wall of China. Go fishing in Thailand. Go walk around Ayers Rock in Australia. Get away from the tabloids, the sports reporters, the gossip, the girlfriends, and most especially, get the hell away from the golf course. Go away and don't come back until you have to come back.

Don't come back for the expectations, or the money, or the all-time records, or even because you think you owe it to the fans or the game. Don't come back until you just have to come back because the desire to be the best golfer the world has ever seen burns inside you like an unquenchable flame.

If that never happens, then don't come back, because we just can't stand seeing you like this.