Thursday, June 08, 2006

So this is what I've been reduced to...

The NBA Finals are all I've got.

The Cardinals stink worse than a dead possum on the side of the road in an August heatwave. Roadkill's a good description for this sorry bunch. Their starting pitching is horrible, giving up an average of about five runs per game. Their middle relief has been somewhat encouraging, though none of these soft tossers will ever remind anyone of Eric Gagne or Billy Wagner. If I start to talk about Isringhausen, I might fly into a Bruce Banner becomes The Hulk rage and smash my computer before I get a chance to upload this post.

Bill DeWitt apologist Al "Mad Sycophant" Hrabosky says Cardinals fans should support Izzy. What on earth for? I think walking the bases loaded every time he pitches warrants a little hostility on the part of fans. Speaking of DeWitt, he's not letting Jocketty do a darn thing to improve this team as long as they're selling out the new ballpark in the middle of the week. The only thing rich people respond to is a decline in the bottom line. Cut this guy off from his cash cow and watch how fast Walt makes a trade.

At this point, wouldn't the NHL be better off going to strictly pay-per-view? This awful Stanley Cup finals is going to be a sweep--and a blowout sweep at that--that only a handful of people will (or even can) watch. The Outdoor Life Network? Are you kidding me? The channel that deer hunters turn to when they want to watch deer hunting?

By the way, it's easy to slam marginal television sports like hunting and my personal kryptonite, poker. What more disturbing to me is the proliferation of these kinds of shows. It seems like every other channel is showing some poker tournament. I mean, what kind of a pointless existence does someone have to lead to watch a televised poker tournament. It's four hours of watching people who natural selection evidently overlooked stare vacantly at each other and occasionally push stacks of plastic disks forward on the table. This crap makes "My Dinner With Andre" look like "Die Hard."

At least I've got Mike & Mike in the Morning on ESPN2, right? Wrong--we're into something like the 13th week of French Open tennis coverage in the morning. Tennis? Are you kidding me? The men are soulless robots, clones without personalities who make Ben Stein look like Crispin Glover. The women? Skinny Russian teens (these girls are hot? Only if you like anorexic junior high girls) against Belgian dwarves? I remember when we had Connors, McEnroe, Borg, Nastase and Ashe on the men's side. At this point, even a blank technician like Ivan Lendl has ten times the charisma of a cipher like Roger Federer. On the women's side, there was Martina, Chrissy, Billy Jean...icons known only by their first names. Now we're stuck with a never-ending series of unpronouncable European adolescents. And how long does this tournament last, anyway? At this point, it's longer than the NHL playoffs, which started around Valentine's Day and might end by the 4th of July.

That leaves the NBA. Of course, I am giddy about the prospect of the Miami/Dallas matchup--old master Riley coaching against young wizard Avery Johnson; Shaq vs. Dirk; Wade vs. Terry; Mark Cuban freaking out on the sidelines. This is going to be the most entertaining NBA Finals series since MJ, Scottie and the Worm were playing for the Zen Master in Chicago.

Man, I'm glad there are two teams playing who I would be equally happy to see win, because at this point, the NBA is all I've got.

1 comment:

TUCK! said...

You've been watching WAY too much ESPN. Don't believe the hype! Don't be brainwashed by John "I hate sports -- and the fans" Saunders and Stephen "Three Guesses What the" A "Stands for" Smith...the Cards are gutting out wins (it took some adjustment w/o Pujols), and THANK YOU Jason Isringhausen for FINALLY showing me why NASCAR has fans.

Poker and hunting (and bowling and golf) are cheap to produce and people think they're going to pick up on "the secret" if they watch enough of it. Not to mention that OLN will be changing their name so as to more directly compete w/the NBA network, er, I mean ESPN.

Not to mention the Blues have the FIRST PICK OVERALL. I cannot WAIT to see what three guys from Juno Alaska ("Oh! I thought he said JOE JUNEAU!") Pleau trades it away for...

Man, so much to watch, and you're settling for the Nightly Adventures of Gary Payton. Yikes.