NFL Week Two Picks

Last week was a disaster in terms of picks, proving once again that expert opinion is as useless as preseason games in determining the success of a team once the real games start. I am thankful, however, that the NFL season has started in time to help distract me from the fact that the Cardinals can't beat the Cubs and may not clinch the division in Chicago at all this weekend. LaRussa better hope his pitchers can throw playoff shutouts, or else St. Louis area golf courses will be filled with baseball players taking an early leave of the postseason. Thankfully, I don't have to watch baseball on Sunday afternoons. So here's what to watch in NFL Week Two tomorrow:

EARLY GAMES
Detroit at Chicago
Detroit won impressively over Green Bay at home last week, while Chicago's defense couldn't overcome their offensive impotence. I like Lovie's Bears to win their home opener in a low-scoring defensive game. Bears 13, Lions 6

Minnesota at Cincinnati
The Vikings are a popular pick in this game, with people saying they'll play with more intensity, not make as many mistakes, Culpepper'll play better, etc. Don't believe the hype. The Bengals whomped the Browns last week, they're playing their home opener, and the Vikings stink, stink, STINK outdoors on the road. This one's not even going to be close. Bengals 31, Vikings 17

Baltimore at Tennessee
The Ravens have too much defense for the Titans to overcome. They held Peyton Manning to one lousy field goal drive in the entire first half against the Colts last week. Just think what they'll do to senior citizen Steve McNair. Ravens 17, Titans 9

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Colts home opener? Manning & Co. on the Indy speed turf? No. 2 of the 16 needed for home field advantage. Colts 42, Jaguars 20

San Francisco at Philadelphia
Thus endeth the Niners winning streak. Eagles 27, 49ers 16

Buffalo at Tampa Bay
I guess this is where we find out which of these two teams are for real. As for me, I have no idea. Both of these teams beat bad teams last week, so it's hard to determine what's what. All things being equal, I guess I'll give the edge to Tampa's defense playing at home. Buccaneers 21, Bills 17

New England at Carolina
Superbowl rematch? Hardly. Belichek won't fall into the trap of not expecting Carolina to be motivated to play the champs and to not fall into an 0-2 hole. But Jake Delhomme's carriage appears to have turned back into a pumpkin. They're not going to score on the Pats' defense today. Patriots 24, Panthers 10

Pittsburgh at Houston
Tuck is all-knowing. Tuck is the foundation of all wisdom. Tuck says Pittsburgh will crush Houston. Tuck knows all, sees all, foretells all. Tuck is wise and good. (Okay, crow sufficiently eaten now?) Steelers 31, Texans 13

LATE GAMES
St. Louis at Arizona
So which team will regroup? As I said earlier in the week, Martz doesn't game plan. Assuming that Denny Green will, and that Warner should be motivated to have his best game in years, I'm going with the Deadbirds over the Lambs in the desert. Cardinals 34, Rams 20

Atlanta at Seattle
After Monday's game, I think you have to put Atlanta at the top of the NFC power rankings. I don't think Seattle has much chance of stopping Vick's offense. Falcons 38, Seahawks 14

San Diego at Denver
Denver stinks. Chargers 24, Broncos 14

Cleveland at Green Bay
Brett Favre is going to have to win this game by himself. Since it's Cleveland, he can probably pull it off. Packers 20, Browns 10

Miami at New York Jets
Was the Miami offensive powerhouse the real thing? Was the total ineptitude of the Jets on both sides of the ball a mistake or an indication of things to come? My feeling is that Miami's offense was an indication of Denver's shortcomings, while the Jets were ambushed by a Kansas City team that will be better than most people expected. Herm Edwards will have his team—and his quarterback—ready to play this week. Jets 24, Dolphins 21

SUNDAY NIGHT
Kansas City at Oakland
One of the best rivalries in pro sports takes on a new twist with Randy Moss in the mix. Moss will have the Black Hole fans worked up into their characteristic sociopathic froth, but the KC running game is going to rule the day. Look for KC to double- and triple-team Moss to prevent big plays. Lacking that, Oakland doesn't have much more to offer. Chiefs 31, Raiders 21

MONDAY NIGHT DOUBLEHEADER
New Orleans at New York Giants
I know the NFL wants me to think that the Saints are the home team, but since they're playing the freaking game at the Meadowlands, the home of the Giants since Reagan was president, I'm not buying it. I'm also not thinking that the Saints can match the emotional intensity of beating a division rival last week. Giants 30, Saints 14

Washington at Dallas
These are the types of games that Bill Parcells lives for, and it's clear that he wants to win another championship, while Joe Gibbs looks like he only wants to win a NASCAR Nextel Cup. It's all about priorities. Cowboys 35, Redskins 13

Last Week's Record: 8-8