Didn't get a chance to post last week's picks, though they were typical of how this season is going—fully half of each week's games are unpredictable coin flips. At least ten teams are so maddeningly inconsistent from week to week, winning by double digits this week, losing to a one-win team the next, that I am now fully qualified by my sub-.700 record to appear on ESPN's "NFL Live" as one of their "experts." Not that it matters, but on with the picks.
Houston at Buffalo
Coin flip number one. Which Houston team will show up? The Matt Schaub juggernaut or the mediocre moo-cows? And what about Buffalo? Will Harvard QB and Rams castoff Ryan Fitzpatrick jump start the Bills tepid offense? Nobody knows! That's my point!
Texans 31, Bills 17 [HOU 31, BUF 10]
Cleveland at Chicago
Coin flip number two. Cleveland has no offense, but they have played games where the defense is quite stout. Chicago has all the personality of a manic-depressive schizophrenic. While everyone is talking about the Cubs and their Billy Goat curse, why don't we talk about the Bears obvious QB curse? Cutler showed signs of greatness in Denver, while Kyle Orton was third-string in Chicago. Now Cutler looks like Rex Grossman and Orton's a legit MVP candidate. Who can we pin this curse upon? Jim McMahon? Mike Ditka? Bob Avellini?
Bears 20, Browns 6 [CHI 30, CLE 6]
Seattle at Dallas
Not exactly a coin flip, but Seattle looked better than the are early in the season, while Dallas has obviously underachieved. Now that things are balancing out, this should be an easy win for the home team, which tells me I would be smarter for picking Seattle.
Cowboys 38, Seahawks 13 [DAL 38, SEA 17]
St. Louis at Detroit
The Rams will win this game with strong defense against Detroit's inept offense as well as controlling the ball behind Steven Jackson. The Rams, despite their losses, have been showing visible signs of improvement, while Detroit has been backsliding since their sole win over the disastrous Redskins.
Rams 21, Lions 17 [STL 17, DET 10]
San Francisco at Indianapolis
Look for Frisco to hang in early on the virtue of their defense, but Peyton Manning is having a career year, and they will pull away in the second half for a comfortable win.
Colts 41, 49ers 24 [IND 18, SF 14]
Miami at New York Jets
Slightly more people are picking the Jets, but the Dolphins destroyed them in Florida, so I don't see this rematch as any kind of advantage for Gang Green. They can't stop Miami's running game, and Sanchez played awful against their defense.
Dolphins 33, Jets 14 [MIA 30, NYJ 25]
Denver at Baltimore
Coin flip number three. Denver's been great, while Baltimore has stumbled against New England and Minnesota, games they should have won. But the Ravens are coming off a bye week, and Denver's probably due for a close loss. This game can and will go either way down to the wire, but I'm giving the slightest of edges to the home team.
Ravens 28, Broncos 27 [BAL 30, DEN 7]
New York Giants at Philadelphia
Coin flip number four. Will Eli play better? How will Bradshaw's broken foot affect the Giants' running game? (Answer: poorly) Will McNabb and company play up to their potential? (Answer: do they ever?) Again, I have to give the slight edge to the home team with the understanding that if the Giants team from early in the season shows up, it's an easy New York win.
Eagles 24, Giants 21 [PHI 40, NYG 17]
Jacksonville at Tennessee
So the Titans have to win a game eventually, right? An Jacksonville's due to lay another egg this week, right? And Vince Young will play like he has everything to prove, right? And the Titans will rally around Jeff Fisher amidst rumors of "trouble" with owner Bud Adams, right? And if the Colts aren't in town, the AFC South home teams have the edge in divisional games, right? I don't know if I'm right about this at all, but here goes...
Titans 28, Jaguars 24 [TEN 30, JAX 13]
Oakland at San Diego
Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill that paves the way for a new L.A. stadium. Oakland's been mentioned as a possible tenant. Just brilliant. That's like building a luxurious new home and leasing it to a meth head. Meanwhile, let me remind you that San Diego gave away Drew Brees for Phillip Rivers, the douche who ESPN's "experts" love more than any other QB except for...
Chargers 38, Raiders 7 [SD 24, OAK 16]
Minnesota at Green Bay
...boy wonder, Superman, Messiah, Aaron Rodgers, who has already been enshrined by the aforementioned "experts" in his own brand-new wing in the Hall of Fame. If Minnesota's QB was named "Brandt Fisher," and the "experts" could cast aside their schoolgirl crush on Aaron McDreamy, the head-t0-head matchup would obviously favor the Vikings. Having said that, Packers fans and some players will be bent on revenge over their "traitorous" former hero, proving once again that Packers fans are the whinest, most delusional and pathetic excuses for football fans anywhere. Three years of glory vs. decades of futility. Just shut up. Here's hoping BRETT FAVRE (suck it, monkeys!) shuts them all up decisively.
Vikings 33, Packers 27 [MIN 38, GB 26]
Carolina at Arizona
At least this one is easy—Carolina stinks, Arizona is on its way back to the playoffs and another divisional title.
Cardinals 34, Panthers 12 [CAR 34, ARZ 21]
Atlanta at New Orleans
Ladies and gentleman, your 2009-2010 NFC Champions...
Saints 44, Falcons 31
This week: 11-1
Week six: 8-6
Last week: 9-4
This season: 70-33 (.680)